I feel like so much of my life I’ve spent trying to start again. To get a clean slate and be a better version of myself with all past habits, feelings, things and baggage forgotten. But sadly life isn’t that simple, flying to the other side of the world with a backpack doesn’t mean those demons are gone, they will chase you.
When I was a child I had watched a show where they would take all of your furniture, trinkets, clothes and junk and lay it out in the backyard. People cried, found things they hadn’t seen for years and basically let go of a lot of ‘things’ they had been hoarding for no reason. A team refreshed their houses and they started their life afresh in their ‘new’ old houses. I thought it was a grand idea and decided to do the same. But like most things I try to do in life I got bored halfway through and I had managed to choose a day where it decided to drizzle, also there was only me not a team of experts to redo the room of an 8 year old who had a Winnie the Pooh colour scheme.
I have been striving for 22 years for a life of simplicity.
No matter how I try I feel that dream of simple and uncomplicated seems more and more delusional the older I grow as my life moves to more chaos then calm.
You have two choices:
- Fight it, continue to keep putting the bricks of your life together again and again as they crash to the floor. It will be hard but it will become easier. Hopefully.
- Or you can embrace it. Let it become your identity. Let it become what you are known for. I don’t like this idea.
I wanted to start afresh this year. I got a two year working visa for the UK, a new adult passport, a new backpack, a little camera and a one way ticket to London. I flew across the world to have a grand adventure. I was going to find a little pub I could live and work in and make jokes with the locals. But instead I got an email two weeks in from my university following up on my application to study abroad in Leeds. 24 hours later I was enrolled and had a new room in student flats.
I was excited to have a space that was my own and the idea of having a little calm to the chaos that comes with having absolutely no idea what you are going to do with you life. But I quickly began to regret the decision to study. I had decided to take 6 months off from university back in Melbourne knowing I needed time to do my own thing and sort my chaos out before I could concentrate on my studies. But here I am, half loving and half regretting. Mainly regretting the fact I am regretting. I should be loving it. I should be having the time of my life. Why aren’t I loving it?
Everything got to much and instead of facing it I have decided to stay in my own little comfort zone. My little student flat room. Where the internets fast and free and my bed is bearable comfortable.
I need to start afresh, I need to start working out how to start enjoying my short time still left here in a city where I may never come again. So that’s my challenge. To begin to start enjoying my time here, to face the chaos head on and to stop complicating life so much.
Here’s to finding the calm in chaos,
– M x